all about it or so over it // extreme personality type

There was a snow day not too long ago and I was sat on my couch for like hour #10 when I said to my mom “do you think I have asthma? I can’t breathe. Can someone develop asthma?”. She didn’t even look at me and said, without even hesitating “no, you’re fine” and went back to watching curling #snorefest. She didn’t even bat an eye when I said I couldn’t breathe.

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She didn’t even care that I was scratching my throat and making funny noises.

I know you’re all thinking 1 of 2 things ( maybe both, who really knows ):

1) “What does this story have to do with having an extreme personality type / what even is an extreme personality type, you’re just crazy…” 

2) “Why doesn’t her mom care that she can’t breathe? How interesting can a curling game be? Worst mother ever…”

I’ll answer #1 in a second, but in short, to sum up #2, and to prevent you all from calling social services on my mom, my mom knows I’m a psycho and overthinker and an extremist so this whole “I can’t breathe thing, do I have asthma” was something she couldn’t feed into.

If she did, it would feed into my moment of overthinking and send me into a a total breakdown.

And she didn’t want that. Especially with a foot of snow on the ground, high winds and more snow falling. She would have no way to escape my craziness so she ignored me. As she often does. Because she knows me and knows that being ignored is exactly what I need.

Alright, so what does this ‘snow day, I can’t breathe, do I have asthma?’ story have to do with being an extremist?

Sidenote: I do not mean an extremist in the political / religious type. I mean like someone who is extreme in what they do, how the feel, what they say, how they react, what their thoughts are. Nothing is ever grey, nothing is ever mediocre. 

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When something is wrong, it’s like the worst thing is happening.

When something is good, nothing could top whatever is going on.

When you’re thinking something, you think the worst or the best, not the in betweens.

Things are black or they are white.

There is no grey.

You are either all in or you are all out.

You never half-ass anything.

I’m either doing something with my whole, total focus, nothing distracting me or I’m just not doing it, sitting there thinking ( hard ) and totally devoted to something else in my mind. Something else that means more to me. Something that I’m more passionate about. I either give it my all or I don’t.

When I like something, I like it. When I hate something, I hate it.

I become obsessive over things I like and equally as obsessive over those things that I hate. <<<< note: it’s hate, not dislike because ‘dislike’ isn’t extreme enough.

Go big or go home is seriously my motto in all aspects of my life.feb10 5

So this whole panic over having asthma because I couldn’t breathe… I didn’t even think that maybe I couldn’t breathe because she had just blown out candles, or that I just had a really bad chest cold that is still lingering and is impacting my breathing. It didn’t occur to me that maybe I was overthinking something and therefore, causing myself to have a slight panic attack.

I was full-out having an asthma attack. I was sure of it. <<< to be honest, I’m surprised I didn’t jump right into having a heart attack. I settled for simply having an asthma attack.

Like I said, go big or go home.

It couldn’t be something as simple ( and realistic ) as my lingering cold, it had to be a full blown asthma attack because I’m extreme. I think the worst, I imagine the worst and I mentally prepare for the worst. While I was scratching at my throat ( and my mom was watching curling ), I was planning out how I would get to an ambulance, thinking when did I last hear the plow go by, wondering how fast my dad could get a car cleared off so he could drive me to the main road AKA where the ambulance would surely have to wait for me.

EXTREME.

Some people may say I’m crazy, obsessive, intense, extraordinaire, passionaite, unrealistic, but I just like to lump it all under ‘extreme’. 

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SOOOooo that being said I give everything my all when I am passionate about it or I do everything I can to avoid doing something I am not as passionate about.

Take, for example, blogging.

I get discouraged around here because I can’t devote every hour of my day to blogging. I don’t have the best of the best equipment. I don’t always have fresh ideas and the space in my house to create.

Which is why sometimes I’m off.

I get really inspired and fall in love, but as fast as I get inspired, I get uninspired and begin to resent it. Not resent blogging per se but resent the fact that I am currently unable to devote my time to it 110% ( never just 80-100%, always 110% ) and get discouraged.

The same goes for school / work / volunteering / what tv shows I watch / what songs I listen to.

If I’m really in to school, I go balls to the walls and get all my work done in like 1-2 days. If I’m not feeling school, I’m not feeling it and I put it off & off & off.

Sometimes I get extremely passionate about work and I am constantly thinking about it, what could I do to make something run smoother, what could I do to help my kiddos have more fun, is there something I can say to help one of them realize that they do matter, that they are perfect just the way they are. And then there are days where I want to pack up, quit, not let anybody know why and just forget about it all.

When I find a tv show or a song that I like, that’s when the obsession sets in. I watch every single episode in a matter of days. I only listen to that song, on repeat for days / weeks. And then I’m done. I don’t watch the show again. I turn the radio if that song happens to come on. I delete it from my music on my phone. I’m just done with whatever the obsession was.

All about it or so over it.

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So, aside from being extreme about my thoughts and what I do, I am also extreme in what I like.

When I love something, I love it hard. When I hate something, I want nothing to do with it.

There are so many things that I love.

Lately, I’ve been loving a lot of different things but they change often. Because I get so obsessed with something, as I’ve said, as quickly as I start liking it, I starting hating it.

I’m not one to try new foods so when I find something that I love, I overeat it and then become sick of it. Recently it’s been sandwiches. I’ve found this perfect cheese, it’s herb and garlic white cheddar and it goes so well with 2 slices of shaved turkey breast, 2 leaves of lettuce and a couple slices of tomatoes. Ask me what my favourite food is in a week and I’ll 110% tell you that it is no longer a turkey sandwich.

My favourite song is currently WTF by Missy Elliott, surely to be replaced soon by another song. I will regret it when every Wednesday I have to have this song on repeat for my hip hop dance classes.

Right now I’m really into blogging, reading about healthy lifestyles, jeggings and wearing my hair natural. The thing is I won’t stop loving any of these things until I’m over it and then I’ll want to ditch all my jeggings in the goodwill pile and straighten my hair every single day.

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Being a person with an extreme personality type has its pros but it also has its cons. I love that it allows me to indulge in something, become completely immersed in it, work so hard and be extremely focused. But I hate that it also allows me to have absolutely no interest in something, want nothing to do with it, put no effort in and daydream about doing something better with my time.

I love my passion and drive, focus and ability to completely dedicate myself to a project or task but it comes with it’s downfalls.

It is definitely exhausting being an extreme person but it is worth it.

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I believe that dedicating your time 110% to something, being passionate about things in your life, focusing your energy and drive on projects and being extremely determined are all positive personality traits that we can have.

As long as your extremity isn’t getting in the way of your life, then embrace it.

Rock it. Kill it.

Go balls to the walls on everything you do. Replay that song 500 times. Binge-watch that show until you hate it.

xx julieann

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